Troublesome night, a conclusion.

I'm going to be really honest. That's what this is about.

I went home after my first night out in the streets. I'm not proud of this.

However, there was a very real danger in staying there. And I have to take that into account. After all, I am making a film, and if I am seriously injured, or die, the chances of finishing this film are somewhat slim. Also, I will not have proven much. Not to myself, and not to anyone else. Except that I made a mistake.

I've decided to go back to meet up with Thierry and Monica, talk to them and take a tour of the dark side of the city. I don't think I'll be living among them anymore. 

The main purpose of these missions is to let go of my sense of identity. But this mission was a bit too much to begin with. I had a bit of an elastic snapback effect. I tried to break a barrier, but instead the barrier flung me back into fear. I was scared. I was confronted with myself, my own fears, and my stupidity. I saw the core of fear in my identity, which may be a good thing to begin with, but I did identify with it. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone home.

So maybe I'm a pussy. Maybe I'm a faker. Maybe I try to act tough now, because I never really have, and I think I look like a pussy. I'm not sure. At least I'm making an effort to change. No one else is gonna do it for me.

Maybe I should start a little more slowly. Then again, maybe not. 

On that note, if anyone knows about underground fight clubs in Belgium, let me know. Otherwise I'll have to pick fights with total strangers, which again might be a mistake.

It probably is. 

Well, time for some meditation. 

Now go experience life. Oh, and watch "Into the Wild". That's what it's all about.